A Touch of Class
Etiquette exemplified, courtesy of Black Label Society leader and Ozzy's right-hand man, Zakk Wylde.
By Erik Fong

It was only a few months ago that an extremely sexy literary genius at Infernal Combustion poked fun at Zakk Wylde, Black Label Society leader and Ozzy Osbourne's axeman of choice, for his constant and inevitable focus on beer, pussy and Black Sabbath in the majority of his interviews. But hey, when you're good enough of a guitar player to fill the shoes of the late, great Randy Rhoads, you're allowed to get away with things like not showering for 23 days straight.

With the European leg of the Ozzfest tour currently postponed as Ozzy takes a much needed break to begin some new medication to eliminate his constant quivering – which thankfully turned out not to be Parkinson's disease – Zakk will take advantage of that time to either go on a short tour with Black Label or record a new Black Label album – whatever his beer-soaked, Sabbath-crankin', pussy-eatin' heart desires.

Zakk spoke to us from his southern California home on a sunny Monday afternoon, doing what all BLS fans figured he'd be doing – washing dishes and baby-talking to his youngest child ("Uh-oh, the little guy's up. What are you doing up, Supah-baby!?"). Thankfully, the cracking-open of a beer can in the background – his first brew of the day at 2pm (yeah, we don’t know what took him so long either) – cancelled out all the pussiness of babies and dishes.

But the question remains: How long will it take for Zakk to talk about beer and pussy?

Have you ever been arrested?
Yeah, my wife called 911 because I was sexually assaulting her – I was pummeling her with my cock. I didn't rape her or anything, I just fucked her in half. I beat on her with my schlong. [laughs] Nah, I've never been arrested. I just lay low and drink beers and go home. Who wants to get arrested when you can just hang out and have another couple cold ones? There ain't no beer in jail, man, that ain't my idea of a good time.

Makes sense. What's the status of the European Ozzfest tour leg now?
Ozzy was feeling a bit under the weather, and he needed to take a break so the shows can still kick ass over there and he won't feel like crap. They just pushed it back a bit, but we're definitely still going over there. That's the game plan. Until then, I'm going to make another Black Label Society album for Spitfire just to keep busy. Either that or do a short run with Black Label across the east coast or something, just an American run, and then go back on the road with Ozz. Then when we come back to the states we're supposed to do a theatre run with Ozzy, but that's all his call. If that doesn't happen, I'll just back out with Black Label and whoop some ass and take it from there.

So we can expect a new Black Label Society album soon.
Yeah, there'll be one in the can. We've got some ideas. We just did some heavy stuff with The Blessed Hellride, so we're thinking about just doing something like Hangover Music Volume 1, all mellow shit. So when you get done raging on a Saturday night, you can throw a couple down for the hair of the dog on a Sunday morning and just listen to the mellow shit from Dr. Wylde.

That's a great idea.
Yeah. On a raging Saturday night when you go out raising hell with your friends, you can listen to The Blessed Hellride, but then when you're fucking feeling like prison ass in the morning and sipping down a couple cold ones just to feel human again, you can listen to the mellow shit. It's like, "Dude, if I hear any heavy music right now I'm gonna cap myself."

Have you seen or talked to Ozzy since he started his new medication?
Nah. I tried making a couple of calls to him, but his schedule is so fucking crazy. I'll just [tell his people] that if he gets time, tell him to give me a buzz. I don't bother him with shit like that.

According to Blabbermouth, he's not taking ten different pills anymore and he feels a lot better.
That's good, that's what he should be on. You know, when you're taking ten different things it's got to be weird. Every doctor thinks they can do it better than the other doctor. "Oh, he's got you on that? Why don't you try some of this?" It's like, do you even know what the fuck you're giving me?

There's a new Ozzy album tentatively scheduled to come out in 2004.
Like I said, that's Ozzy's call. And it's a matter of cramming it into his schedule. Ozzy records aren't like Black Label records, where we just go in and 60 days later, there's the album. With Ozzy, the process takes a bit longer, because Ozz will really like something one day and then he'll say, "Oh, I don't like this fucking crap" the next. It's just a matter of Ozzy being happy with what he hears.

How much of a writing influence will you have on this next album?
You never know. If Ozz just wants me to play guitar on it like on Down To Earth, I'm fine with that too. So, whatever he wants to do. Ozzy always said that we never did an album that really followed up No More Tears. But then again, that was then and this is now. You can't go back in time. But I'd really like to throw in some heavier shit.

You don't have any nice things to say about Dave Grohl. Have you two crossed paths at all?
Nah. I don't think Dave knows who the fuck I am anyways. [laughs] "Zakk who? Oh, eh, whatever."

What's the shadiest album in your CD collection?
Well, since we have the kids… we've got goofy shit like Baby Mozart now.

Adorable. Tell me your favorite Mike Bordin story.
Mike's pretty mellow, man. He's not a big boozer – he likes his ganja…

And his crack?
[laughs] Yeah. He's into, you know, heroin and steroids. Nah, he basically smokes whatever he can get his hands on. But the funniest thing with him was when the San Francisco Giants lost the World Series last year. I was shocked that Mike didn't go on an eight-week drunk-fest. He was in a deep depression when his Giants lost. But the fact that he didn't go on a shooting spree – that was definitely one of his more restrained moments. He went into seclusion for about a week, like one of those David Blaine things where he didn't eat for 44 days straight or whatever. [laughs] He had his Giants jersey on and refused to talk to anyone.

What's the last piece of food that you found in your beard?
My wife's leftovers.