Yes, it was me who wrote that now-infamous-in-my-own-delusional-and-self-centered-mind Infernal Combustion parody, "Zakk Wylde Talks About Something Else." For those unfamiliar with the tongue-in-cheek piece, it poked fun at Zakk's tendency to only really talk about beer, Black Sabbath, shitty music and his wife's pussy in virtually all of his interviews. He's an amazing guitar player, don't get me wrong, but I always felt a bit unsatisfied with the Zakk Wylde interviews that I read. I really felt there was more underneath that filthy beard and that everyone had just failed to uncover it.

So I happily jumped at the chance to interview Zakk. And as a top-notch journalist for the second-most renowned web site within a two-foot radius of my computer, allow me to officially report that, well, my prediction was dead wrong. There isn't anything else underneath that filthy beard – it really is just beer, Black Sabbath, shitty music and pussy. That's not to say that Zakk is a bad guy, far from it. It was clear during the interview that Zakk has a true heart of gold and means what he says, no matter how choppy or abrasive it may sound. But maybe it just sounds choppy and abrasive because his mouth is full of beer and his tongue is jammed in his wife's pussy. Sounds like something that deserves investigating – I'll work on uncovering that mystery for you.

Further firming our unmatched reputation in music journalism is your very own Keith Bergman, who somehow uncovered a brand new concept that's sure to sweep the nation and set new trends – it's called the "rock n' porn connection." Who knew rock music and porn stars could go so well together? It's another one of those "it's so stupid it just might work" kinds of things, I know, and unfortunately Hustler beat us to it with a brand new section devoted to music. I don't know how Larry Flynt expects us to masturbate to words, but eh, he's the boss.

Enjoy this issue. Lots of great anecdotes that are sure to make you laugh.

Thanks to crack, you can get a blowjob for a buck,
Erik Fong

Now playing: Marty Friedman - "Angel"